So, this will be a different post I was not sure to share it or not. I wrote something after one camp in Lithuania which was called – A journey to your inner child – on the very first days of August where I went through many experiences and my latest creation ~ There comes a freedom ~ came out of it. What is in it? Two women standing bare feet on an old big and flat stone covered in fluffy moss..in a big old wood.. deep breath in.. before the scream.. And what can YOU see? I suppose it’ll be clear after you read it.
“ I am writing this for myself… so I won’t forget… and if I ever get seriously sick, please, give me this to read every day what I’ve experienced here. I want to remember every day what gifts I’ve got and how’s all of us related – all people, animals, nature and when you open your heart and pour out all the hogwash – goodness and love starts to break into it. Only now I realize what I have heard earlier – that love OR fear lives inside me. While fear is alive I cannot love myself and others with ALL my heart, unconditionally. It doesn’t matter what I fear – then there’s no place for love. And I don’t know, what makes me climb over myself, over my fears, what or who helps to switch of my mind and do things which seem to be stupid, uncomfortable, unacceptable for one’s mind. This „what“ or „who“ apparently feels my little wish to try, to touch something inexperienced and at the right moment it switches all the „what if..“ and here comes the chain reaction. Explosions!. of pride, sorrow, longing and grief, hatred, fear – everything splashes in all directions, mind tries to catch them and to realize what‘s going on, it tries, but it‘s powerless because there is some”thing” inside much more powerful then mind and the fireworks continue. The ones which go up high with loud tingles and blow up one after another… only ashes remain. Body reacts first – you get head or other aches, tears fall, your heart is swelling, so much that it seems to push away your lungs and it reaches the throat.. it is UNLOCKING the door! It goes up, it can’t stay in such a “bowl”, sinking in that dirt and choking..there’s no more oxygen! … and something happens, which empties that bowl, maybe this is a moment when you cry a river and you can literally feel your heart crying and choking.. How many times have I pushed my heart back in?? How many times have I told it – shut up you bi***, go back and just keep silent, calm down! This was actually what my mind told me because it’s a shame, it’s frightening because I hate myself anyway! In other words.. ISO – is so high – the film is so sensitive – you will not avoid the noise! Lines and dots all over the photo and if my heart is shut behind the doors with a thousand of locks – a shutter speed that is – then a photo I will get to see will be a black bog with some silhouettes, if some.. Somebody told me once – the truth will set you free and I thought this is all about talking and words, it appears that this is also about the FEELINGS. If I let myself to feel them when they come, if I FEEL them with all my body and soul and let them out – this is the TRUTH. I let them out when I cry, scream, when I feel pain and beat myself up inside, when I curse. . AND when I sing, when I ask for help, when I feel powerless… When all the dirt, hogwash, sludge and acid come out – SOUL opens wide like an aperture of a camera and a LIGHT starts to flow in! It’s so light! That you can’t see a thing in a photo…Everything’s white or in a thick fog. .. „WTF!.. the picture is shitty!“ – my mind says. „We need to close the aperture and shut the shutter (heart)“.. and it tries to force it, quickly and nervously and it‘s been successful so many times.. when it pushes the heart back from a halfway-up down into the dirt until it is choking again and tries to make it to the top again, to go out.. And God knows how many times you have to feel your crying and screaming heart forcibly locked by your own mind in a sludge of fear, anger .. I beat her up with my own hands but it still was there..in my chest..beating. Then I turned into others and tried to beat them, with words or at least with a sight but it still kept beating.. until I tried to listen..what was she saying?..Some“body” started to translate my heart‘s language to me. I started listening and understanding..and when it tried to come out and get a gulp of fresh air – I looked for all kinds of ways to help it – pour all the dirt out that smothered it. I did what I could amain, so my heart will be better to come back, so it could breathe again and not only – so it could GROW at last, fed by this light which flows in so easily after every „rinsing“. Maybe there‘s never a time when it doesn’t want come out but the bigger it is in your chest the less space is left for the dirt and the faster I hear it crying for help and finally I am able to help. Over time, mind always tries to tell „the truth“ at these moments but when you got couple of experiences when you saw that the best you can do is – listen to your heart and LIVE all the FEELINGS that arise – the relief comes and you hear your mind‘s voice somewhere far away. After that, I believe, the light in my heart turns into love and it starts to pump blood filled with love into the body, into all the cells and into the brain..where mind sits and maybe the mind is against it but it has no choice.. it starts to change because its food have changed..it was forced to change the diet! J and love becomes part of it and it starts to act and react differently. I feel it – from a bad guy always regulating everybody‘s lives and offering „reasonable“ solutions, my mind turns into a great tool to spread that love around, in all my affairs, big and small… everywhere, at home, in a shop, in a forest. It really starts to operate in a different way. ISO is decreasing, photos come without or very little noise, their quality is getting better. Then I AM ABLE and even WANT TO say „I‘m sorry“ „ I love you“, to smile to a stranger, to comfort when somebody‘s hurt, to hug, to call with no reason, to sing without a shame, to dance, to help others and to share without hoping to get something back, to be happy and to be grateful for all the „unhappiness“ that turned into such a happiness! When time goes by everything starts to sound together – aperture, shutter speed, ISO… and photos come out clear and bright. I can‘t take my eyes of them! Then I want to admire them and to share with others. I want so many things. Especially that other people would experience it too, so that they wouldn’t let their hearts to suffer and choke, so that they could find a TRANSLATOR, who could translate their hearts’ language, so they start to listen to it, throwing away dull and blurry black noisy photos from a cupboard and start to take new ones, clear and beautiful. My camera (my body) is ok, it always was – it‘s not broken, it just captures the moments. Everything depends on the settings – ISO (MIND), shutter (HEART) and aperture (SOUL)…because all of them are connected. We all are. ALL”.
Leave me a comment if you FEEL it too..